Efficiency

Grammar

Efficiency,

or Eliminating Wordiness

In early drafts, I prefer to work on efficiency and wordiness before revising for grammar. Why? Well, why edit a sentence for commas or syntax when that sentence may be later deleted, entirely or in parts? Moreover, working on efficiency often resolves many grammar issues. Take, for instance, the following wordy passage:

I remember it was one hot day in august of that summer, that evening my friends and I all decide we dont want to be bored that it would be a good idea to go out have some fun instead just siting around to talk as we always due we wanted to enjoy the evening. One of my friends thought it was a good idea to go to downtown by the Rock & roll hall of fame and just sit by the lake and watch people play volleyball and have a good time maybe go by the boats and jet skies.

The passage contains various grammatical errors (in parallelism, comma use, tense, spelling), but let’s first address wordiness so we’re not editing passages we’ll later delete. Sometimes, wordiness can be identified by highlighting similar ideas or words. In the first sentence alone, notice how many words speak to setting or time/place and how many speak to boredom and the decision/desire to have fun:

When we identify repetitive passages, we can start deleting or consolidating. Notice how I remove some of the highlighted passages to create a more efficient version:

I remember one hot evening in August when my friends and I were bored just sitting around and were looking to have fun.

Another way to edit for wordiness is to write down only unique ideas, omitting synonyms and non-specific words (such as it, of, and, that, be, to, or would). Ex:

Hot, August, evening, friends and I, bored, sitting around, fun.

Rereading the passage, isn’t just about every other word superfluous (already stated, unnecessary, clutter)? So, the following sentence could speak for that entire passage:

One hot August evening, my friends and I were bored just sitting around, so we decided to…

From there, we can be more specific about what was decided. Note, too, that the real action isn’t to “have fun.” Instead, this group decided to go downtown for specific sights, which they all believed would be fun:

One hot August evening, my friends and I were bored just sitting around, so we decided to go downtown, by the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame, where we could sit by the lake, watch people play volleyball, and admire the boats and jet skis.

This 45-word passage replaces the initial 101-word passage and no ideas have been lost. In fact, the writer’s ideas are now far more direct and clear. In the meantime, I also corrected for capitalization, spelling, comma use, parallelism, and other issues—all of which helped sharpen the clarity and efficiency. But there were fewer errors to work on, and even if such issues persisted, fewer would interrupt the prose and meaning.

That 45-word passage is not the perfect or only way to express or communicate that event, and maybe your style and voice results in a longer passage. But notice that even if the following 59-word passage contains more words, the ideas are still more efficiently presented than the original:

It was yet another hot, boring summer evening, and my friends and I were searching for fun. Sick of just sitting around talking all evening, someone mentioned going downtown, by the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame. We all jumped at the idea of sitting by the lake, watching people play volleyball, and admiring the boats and jet skis.

Remove Unnecessary Words, Phrases

In speech, we often employ wordy phrases for pacing, emphasis, or to help our thought-process (sort of like using “um,” or “well” as you’re thinking about something while talking); in such instances, wordiness can help facilitate communication. However, in writing, such unnecessary words or phrases are rarely useful and usually only clutter the text, rendering it less meaningful, intelligible, or pleasurable to read.

To the right is only an exemplary list of wordy phrases (edited from lists by Fordham University Writing Center and UNC Writing Center).

Examples

Wordy: At the end of it all, I came to the realization that my boss will at all times have a preference for my coworker in spite of the fact that I am more reliable.

More efficient: I finally realized that my boss will always prefer my coworker even though I am more reliable.

Wordy: The low sales numbers were a result of factors that involve a shrinking demographic. The company will need to strategize how to sell to that shrinking demographic in order to ensure better sales in the future.

More efficient: Low sales numbers resulted from a shrinking demographic. The company needs to strategize to that shrinking demographic for better sales.

More efficient: After low sales numbers, the company needs to strategize to a shrinking demographic.

Use Active Voice and Action Verbs

Sometimes, sentences in Passive voice are necessary given purpose, what came before, or preferred style. However, for efficiency, active voice typically works best. Likewise, Action verbs are often more specific, forceful, and efficient than Linking verbs or Helping verbs. Consider when and how to revise sentences for Active voice or Action verbs.

Passive voice: We were delighted by the party.

Active voice, non-action verb (linking verb): The party was a delight (to us).

Active voice, action verb: The party delighted us.

Switching to Active voice can also clear up confusions or input missing details, making the sentence more efficient even if employing the same amount of words. Note in the following how the Passive is unclear:

Passive: My friend was asked out on a date. [by?]

Active: Peter asked my friend out on a date.

Watch for Prepositional Phrases

Prepositional phrases communicate details and layers of meaning. However, too many prepositional phrases can clutter the meaning and thought progression of the sentence.

Cluttered (prepositions bolded): One of the most memorable events from last summer at camp in the mountains was being able to hike to the lake for sunset photos.

More efficient: Hiking to the mountain lake for sunset photos was the most memorable event of camp last summer.

More efficient: At camp last summer, I loved hiking to the mountain lake for sunset photos.

Revise Expletives

Wordiness and Efficiency Exercises

Merge Details and Sentences

In class on Tuesday morning, the class was shown by the teacher how to complete the assignment.

1

On Tuesday morning, the teacher showed the class how to complete the assignment.

Eliminate Repetition

and Less Important Details

Expletives are common in speech, but often clutter a text.

Expletive: It is unusual for my sister to back down in an argument.

Alternative: My sister backing down in an argument is unusual.

More efficient: My sister does not usually back down in an argument.

Expletive: There was one last question I was hoping to ask.

More efficient: I was hoping to ask one last question.

Revise the following passages for efficiency; eliminate repetition, wordiness, or less important details.

When we write first drafts, details are often spread out over several sentences, popping up amid wordiness as ideas come to us. We also may repeat ideas because in putting them down on paper for the first time we are searching for the best way to communicate them. All of this is fine as a first-draft process. But in following drafts, we can revise these inefficiencies by merging details and sentences.

Inefficient First Draft: When I started growing older, I stopped visiting my grandparents as much as I used to. I wish I never did that. I regret that now as an adult.

Note that “I wish I never did that” and “I regret that” mean roughly the same thing.

More Efficient Revision: When I grew older, I stopped visiting my grandparents as often. As an adult, I regret my absence.

More Efficient Revision: When I grew older, I visited my grandparents less often, an absence I regret as an adult.

Inefficient First Draft: Seeing the town's central plaza was my favorite part of the trip. The central plaza was built in 1602.

More Efficient Revision: Seeing the town's central plaza, which was built in 1602, was my favorite part of the trip.

More Efficient Revision: Seeing the town's central plaza, built in 1602, was my favorite part of the trip.

Inefficient First Draft: When I was a student going to class, my favorite subject was creative writing. I also liked history.

More Efficient Revision: When I was a student, my favorite subjects were creative writing and history.

In the next set, note how often “phone” or “it” (in reference to the phone call) are mentioned. Merge sentences to create a more direct action of being invited to go on a hike.

Inefficient First Draft: It was a warm morning on a Saturday when the phone rang. My mom answered the phone and yelled up the stairs for me to get it because it was for me. I got up and answered the phone and it was my friend Tom. He asked me if I wanted to go on a hike.

More Efficient Revision: One warm Saturday morning, the phone rang. My mom yelled up the stairs that it was for me. When I answered, it was my friend Tom asking if I wanted to go on a hike.

More Efficient Revision: One warm Saturday morning, my friend Tom called asking if I wanted to go on a hike.

The last revision does two things. First, it turns the noun of a “phone call” into an action of Tom “calling” the writer. Next, it deletes the less important detail that the speaker didn’t answer the initial call. The important detail is being invited on a hike. Removing less important details brings the more important ones to the forefront of the story. This version can now more efficiently move into the story about going on a hike with a friend.

At the present time, I do not have the ability to complete the assignment due to the fact that I do not have the book.

2

Currently, I cannot complete the assignment because I do not have the book.

It is the responsibility of the driver in the car to watch out for pedestrians.

3

Drivers have the responsibility to watch out for pedestrians. OR Drivers are responsible for watching out for pedestrians.

Our high school basketball team played against their rivals over the weekend. Our team played well but they lost to their rivals.

4

Our high school basketball team played well but lost against their rivals over the weekend.

Growing up I wasn’t like most other kids since most of them completely despised when they had to go to the dentist’s office and dreaded the moment of being in the chair. I on the other hand loved going to the dentist, I would be sitting in the chair waiting for the dentist and would observe every tool and instrument in the room and in the hallway. When it came time for the dentist to come into the room, I would inquire about what everything was and what it was used for. When I was a teenager, I started to grow out of the phase of the love I had for the dental field and wanted it as my career due to the fact my family would discourage me from wanting to work in a dentist’s office. Some comments they gave were: “I don’t think that’s what you actually want to do, are you sure?” and “dental work doesn’t seem like something you’ll enjoy”. However, after about a year of being questioned about my desired career and being consistently asked the same questions, it came to the point where I realized that I as a matter of fact did wanted to become a dental hygienist.

5

Unlike most kids, I loved going to the dentist. I didn’t dread the chair; instead, I would wait patiently, observing every instrument in the office until the dentist arrived and I could inquire about each tool’s function. When I became a teenager, my interests in dentistry subsided, partially because my family discouraged me with comments like, “I don’t think that’s what you actually want to do, are you sure?” or “dental work doesn’t seem like something you’ll enjoy.” However, after about a year of such skepticism, I finally realized that, in fact, I did want to become a dental hygienist.